Am I alive...

Ok I know what your thinking, you read the title and you think. "Oh god not another emo ass blog."

Let me assure you that this is not a emo moment, more so a reflection of my life, a revelation if you will.

I can remember the majority of my life, most of my pains and pleasure. But more so pains. Isn't it funny how our pain makes more of a mark in our lives than anything else? I'm sure you can vividly remember a broken bone more than a day at your favorite theme park. lol Anyways, I digress...

There was a time in my life when I was young, maybe 9 or 10 when I started to develop into a woman, I was terribly made fun of. By the kids at school, the kids on my block, even my sister. I felt alone, not even getting a break when I was in my room, which I shared with my sister at a time. I think thats when I first started to learn the true nature of humans.

Then we have our high school days; Ferndale High to be exact. I was also teased a lot then, but for a different reason. Yes that was when I began dressing 'goth'. But I wasn't the only one. There was a very small group of others that dressed goth as well so I wasn't alone in a sense, but I was the only African american goth. I got it there to. But I am thankful I went to school in ferndale, because it was such A diverse school, there where those that had open minds and accepted me, not many but enough to help ignore all the criticism. I know if I went to a Detroit school, I would have got it to no end with no one to turn to for help.

Regardless of all that I remember having many joyous times, I made lots of new friends with all kinds of people. I experienced many new and wonderful things. Like for example, I had my first real boyfriend my sophomore year. Brandon Marshall. I look back at it now and laugh.

I loved him and dating him, well lets just say I learned a lot about a lot of different things. I learned what true heart break felt like, it was the worst pain in th world. During that painful period, I had to keep asking myself, am I alive? there were moments when I wasn't even sure. I could remember the feeling, it was the feeling of nothingness. After being treated so wrong in the past by family and friends, I thought I had found the one person who truly loved me for me, and when he turned his back on me I just felt so much pain...

So much so it became to great, and my body just went numb.

I resorted to cutting myself for a little while, just to try and see if I was still alive, to see if I could still feel anything anymore. I came to the conclusion that I was indeed still alive.... but had no feelings. Even as that razor sliced through my skin into veins it didn't hurt. But eventually through my few good friends and later on my own will power, I got out of it. And of course I had a few more boyfriends after that who I broke up with and that broke up with me, and they all hurt as well, but each time it hurt less and less. I learned to adapt and push those feelings into the back of my mind and just live my life, with or with out them by my side. I even stopped cutting, proving to myself that I had finally gotten my feelings under control.

Well I'll end it there for now, got things to do and people to see, so bye for now.

~Ai Kurai