Loving someone, it sucks really. Especially when that someone you love isn't always the one that your with. Don't get me wrong, i do love my boyfriend currently, we have fun and laugh and have yet to have any problems, which is why I was so hesitate to let it go. But I think i've finally realized where my heart truely lies.
all last night I couldn't help thinking about him, wondering if he was coming to the party, only to find out he indeed was, with his new girl friend. Then all I could do was daze off in a awkward attempt not to make it obvious that I was missing him. Since he wasn't speaking to me it made it a little harder to bare, but I got through for the most part.
It's a sucky feeling seeing the one you love not only love someone else, but on top of that not even acknowledge your existence. I admit I was a little more then hurt, but at the same time grateful. It wasn't because I was jealous, in all honesty I'm happy for him. I'm glad to see he's not moping anymore. But it took seeing him with someone else to make me realize what I actually felt for him. I had convinced myself for so long not to go back because I didn't need him that I actually started to believe it myself. But when it rains it pours and it rained down on me harder then a pack of bullets. Well.... I guess there's nothing I can do now but live with the errors of my ways.
I loved him, I still love him and I always will. If I could change the hands of time I would but.... I'm only human as well as he. I just wish I could have been more
Open, to have tried to have just a little more faith in the one that I've loved for 5 years now. To have faith and focus on all of our happiness instead of our grief.
Well I guess this is my punishment, NOW focusing on our happiness, just NOW wanting it back.... Just NOW realizing that what we had was more then friendship, more then a relationship, more then love. It was much deeping much more connected and now what do I have?
....And then I sighed.
