6:44amMe
its like this
the longer I've known you
the more emotion your gonna get outta me
your at the happy or blank state
teya and mica have seen me in all states of mind
I dont like to show that other side of me when I havent known you as long
I guess in a sense its a protectant
6:45amAllan
I find that odd and somewhat deceiving...
to protect yourself is understandable
but mask entirely?
kinda...
6:46amMe
i dont like for ppl to see me in a weak state
6:46amAllan
umm
6:46amMe
makes me vunerable
and I HATE that
6:47amAllan
weak and facally neutral are two differnt things
6:47amMe
indeed
thats why I do the neutral face
I may be weak at the time
6:47amAllan
your neutrality is so permanent it seems like the negative side of the spectrum. like you elimated weak
6:47amMe
but you wont ever know
to the human eye
I suppose I have
I think it also has a lot to do with my up bringing
6:50amAllan
hm, ok i guess i can't argue with that, just doesn't sit right with me completely. But hell its cool Im weird in ways i guess and why should you care anyway lol. I'll just leave it at this, you may be masking more that you intended to mask. Somethings beyond your control.
6:51amMe
aw come on
get more in depth with it
dont stop now
6:53amAllan
no cuz I can't argue with it so whats the use in proving a point? just to prove it? Nah, i perfer to do things that take effect. I don't punch anything and don't expect it to at least flinch. Futility really lol. Why do you care mis neutral? You're stepping outside neutrality...technically...
we got on this subject cuz i wanted an understanding
I got that...
i guess...
6:54amMe
What is there to argue about, and what is there to prove?
In a way, I suppose Im asking for your help
Im trying to realize why I am the way I am
or if its even something I can fix
Sometimes I dont even know how to show my real emotions
thats a problem
6:55amAllan
Hm, thats noble... but then again why is my words even effective? You don't know me that well (as you said) and you will change when its necessary (which you also said) and neither of those have changed so why the curiousity?
6:56amMe
I didnt say I didnt no you that well
6:56amAllan
(sorry i get real intelluctual when figuring things out)
6:56amMe
I said I havcent known you that long
6:56amAllan
same thing right?
6:56amMe
not really
you can know some one forever and not actually no shit about them right?
6:57amAllan
true but it doesnt work vise versa does it?
6:57amMe
and I feel like your a good friend of mine
your opinion does matter
and I believe so
6:57amAllan
i mean i would like to be, but you kinda put me 2 steps back a second ago
6:57amMe
how so?
6:58amAllan
the category you put me in
6:58amMe
someone I havent known that long?
7:00amAllan
nvm overlook that...
continue
7:00amMe
Now Im confused
7:02amAllan
basically what you told me is you will change when necessary but thn by what you just said you said you kinda dont know how to? is that right?
7:02amMe
Basically'
I really dont even realise that Im not showing emotion
7:03amAllan
why do you care if youre fine where you are tho?
7:03amMe
obviously Im not tho
If you and other ppl have pointed it out, then thats a problem
its not just mica
Its not just my mother
its not just my ex's
its me
its a problem
7:05amMe
oddly this has mad me somewhat sad
7:05amAllan
you've become so set on becoming impervious (im guessing on an intimate level or feelings in geral) that you've stopped people from connecting to you one any level.
thats what i understand from it
*on
7:06amMe
i suppose your right
7:07amAllan
so you've made yourself unbreakable. but also unrelatable.
in a sense
7:07amMe
I defina=itely wouldnt say unbreakable
definitely*
I break rather easy
I just wont ever show anyone
7:08amAllan
well you would never tell anyone that in a normal conversation
but hear me out
7:08amMe
shoot
7:10amAllan
if you see a car wit a club on, a boot, ignition locks, an alarm, a guard dog by it and a bomb next to it you wont get near it, even if the bomb is a dud the dog is a bitch if you pet it and the doors are unlocked. The deterrant is more than enough
its a mental thing... and there is no sign saying come on pet the damn dog and open the door. so people will walk around it
unless its a person with either heavy balls or no morals...
in either case not good
7:12amMe
is that how you feel?
like you should keep away?
7:14amAllan
In some fashion yes, im smart enough so stay out of dangerous situations but at the same time I'm the type to sit next to the car and see what other people do. That have seen it before or new to it.
7:14amMe
I see...
7:15amAllan
I figured more stuff about you from other people, whether from words (in which you can't always believe because thats speculation) or how you interact with them, which is second hand but still quite useful information.
I'm very observant.
just dont seem like it
7:16amMe
I thought I was too
if I cant even tell that much about my friends and why they react to me the way they do, then I guess Im not
I guess I somewhat understand why ppl say there intimidated by me
7:18amAllan
Intimidated is understandable, not by me, hesistant maybe but I don't even hesistate in words, thats why Im so blunt but its intriguing because I feel like (im going on a whim here so dont smash on me if im wrong) feel like you're suffering somewhere in the inside.
7:19amMe
Im always suffering
that much I know
I just dont like to show it
i dont feel it necessary to do so
what will it change?
nothing
so I keep quiet
and put on a show for everyone else
7:20amAllan
See you're a rock. Impervious. Theoretically.
You made youself unbreakable, made note of a easy flaw, and just as easily cemented over that....
Even the flaw is protected. So technically its not a flaw if the shield is impervious to yourself
Eh, I believe I have said too much.
7:22amMe
No
your right
7:22amAllan
Its time i stopped talking
7:22amMe
No go ahead
I want you too comtinue
Im just listening/reading
7:24amAllan
I can't you've cornered me with your logic. and thats hard me being such a logical person. I always believe their is an alternate. another way. But you seem to have perfected the dead end so to speak. 4 walls no doors. And thats to people. to yourself its almost the same way. but you can always defeat yourself. i know that all too easy. you are always your worst enemy. and you need to get past yourself first...
Me
indeed
well put
7:28amAllan
I have been defeated logically, a very rare occasion. even in the worst of odds i have a fighting opinion, no matter how insignificant but in this case I have been trumped, and its not even about me yet its not a good feeling. I have nothing more to say on the subject matter.
7:29amMe
so in a sense, your saying theres no hope for change.
7:30amAllan
After you defeat youself I may be of assistance. Not only that I'm positive i could be, if not literally then I would at least want to be to help cuz you're my friend. But you got a hard ass enemy... and its been reigning for sometime now.
7:31amMe
yes it has
7:33amAllan
if you need to find something thats worth it you better find it fast. Because you're losing yourself, something that isn't worth losing if not already lost.
Its not to bring you down atall because I am genuinely concerned and because of that I cannot lie either though
7:34amMe
I know
I thank you for being honest
your not bringing me down
I a,
Cuz everything you've said is true
am*
I written about this for some time now, in blogs in poems
I could never figure out what was the proble,
problem*
it would also explain my random days of depression
its my subconscious kicking my ass
7:37amAllan
or the weakness or real you showing up temporarly
but then the mask comes out and tell people to leave you along. so even in the vuneralble state youve blocked help
*alone
7:38amMe
yes, I have
7:49amMe
I've got quite a bit to think on
thanks for the homework
lol
