A realization...

Today I looked at a picture of a girl I used to go to high with

She was the same age as me, and her name was rachel, she was a good person, and all she wanted was to be accepted.

But not many people did.... why? Because she was in wheel chair, because she was handicap.

Now I was never on the side that made fun of her, but I was one to quietly snicker when a joke was made about her. I was nice to her, but it was really out of pity. I look back at how she was treated now, and the things that she has went through and I just feel terrible...

I mean just imagine, what if that was you? What if you were the one constantly picked on since you began kinergarden? what if you were the one that never had a boyfriend or even a kiss?

What if you were the one incapable of even writing your own name? What if you were the one that cant even walk? What if you were the one who needed help just to go to the bathroom? How would you fell if you had damn near everyone in your school throughout all grades mocked you and tease you openly to your face? How would you feel if even when you beared your soul infront of the entire school they laughed at the way you talked.

When I look back on it now.... I dont think I could have made it through alive.

I've had my fair share of getting harassed and made fun of but NOTHING like that girl did.

And just because she was born a little different from the 'norm'. I mean all I had to do was dress differently, but this was something she had no control over.

And when I look back on it, it makes me want to cry for her....

i think about all the tears she has cried over the years and I wonder, 'How can anyone laugh at true hurt like that?' How could anyone cast a shadow of loneliness on her? She was one of the sweetest people you could know, but no one wanted to give her the time of day....

but thats just the world we live in today I guess....

Spank me again...

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Which do you like more? The one on th left or the one on the right?

Night waters

Some real emotion went into this so I thought I'd post it

Just spewing

Tis been a rough week....

I lost the pen to my tablet earlier in the week so I cant draw out my mind like normal. I mean yea there is always regular paper and pen but its like going from tic tac toe to video games. Its just not the same. So yea,

Not only that my phone got stolen on the bus the other day. I was texting my ex just talking silly stuff and some ass hole on the bus snatched it out of my hand and ran with it. Fucking jerk. That was my only phone so I have nothing to fall back on.

But the killer part was i had to sit there and watch him run off with my phone.

It was the last bus of the night so I couldnt get off. If I got off, I wasnt gettin home. Also even if I got off to case him, where was he going? For all I know he was meeting up with a gang of people and if that was the case I could have really been in trouble.

But do you know how frustrating it is just to sit and watch something bad happen to you with no control over anything? And I cant even draw about it.

But enough with the complaining. Its a phone. Yes I was mad before but Im over it. Now Im just waiting on this pen in the mail.

On the wave...

I'm floating on a wave of my own emotion,

Slowly drifting down the river that I've created with my own tears.

Nothing is here, just me and the water.

I've never felt this way before, and yet I feel this way all the time.

I'm not drowning and I'm not swimming....

Its like....

Its like I'm not even there

I feel the cool waters massaging my tired body

I look around and theres nothing else in sight

just the blue, gray and red distressed water.

I dip my head under and theres no ground.

Just me looking back at myself looking at me back at me

Where am I going? What can I do?

I'll just continue to float on this wave

I let it sooth me, let it comfort me with its cold touch

let it flow inside me and fill me to the brim

Cuz in the end, its all I have left

Looking for something...

Lately I been looking for something that I cant seem to find...

Real genuine, 'I'll be there when EVER you need me' friendship, ya know? I'm sure every has that one or more friends you feel that way for or feel that way for you, But lately....

Its just not there for me.

I'm always the after thought. Never the first to be mentioned. Never the first to be called, never the first to be 'invited to the party.'

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm lonely

I have no real connection to anyone anymore. All the time I see the people that once called me there best friend and sister doing everything without me. They don't 'have the time.' or 'the money to come see me'. But yet every other night your out having expensive fun at some ones house?

All I want is a little bit of your time.

I don't need you to buy me 120 dollars worth of weed. I dont need 25 different alcoholic beverages for you to be my company.

Sure every blue moon when you finally have 'the time' I'm happy of out time together. But I wish it was because you tried everything you could to come see me, not because of some coincedence or because you had nothing else better to do that day.

"I'm here for you, you know I love you as much if not more than my other friends."

Then where are you now? Why aren't you here when I feel the worse or just need someone to talk to?

"I have school... I live so far away... I don't have the money to get over there..."

Then why are you always out with everyone else?

Its excuse after excuse. Maybe I'm being a little disagreeable, but at the end of the day your still not here where I need you. Instead your just in the places where people want you