And then I sighed

It was weird, just a short while ago I convinced myself that It was stupid to give up something good for something that has hurt me time and time again. I felt like i had gone down that road again and again to find nothing but pain and disappointment. now I yearn for that road. I felt like I needed something new and different, but it seems as the what I really need is more of what I already had.

Loving someone, it sucks really. Especially when that someone you love isn't always the one that your with. Don't get me wrong, i do love my boyfriend currently, we have fun and laugh and have yet to have any problems, which is why I was so hesitate to let it go. But I think i've finally realized where my heart truely lies.

all last night I couldn't help thinking about him, wondering if he was coming to the party, only to find out he indeed was, with his new girl friend. Then all I could do was daze off in a awkward attempt not to make it obvious that I was missing him. Since he wasn't speaking to me it made it a little harder to bare, but I got through for the most part.
It's a sucky feeling seeing the one you love not only love someone else, but on top of that not even acknowledge your existence. I admit I was a little more then hurt, but at the same time grateful. It wasn't because I was jealous, in all honesty I'm happy for him. I'm glad to see he's not moping anymore. But it took seeing him with someone else to make me realize what I actually felt for him. I had convinced myself for so long not to go back because I didn't need him that I actually started to believe it myself. But when it rains it pours and it rained down on me harder then a pack of bullets. Well.... I guess there's nothing I can do now but live with the errors of my ways.

I loved him, I still love him and I always will. If I could change the hands of time I would but.... I'm only human as well as he. I just wish I could have been more
Open, to have tried to have just a little more faith in the one that I've loved for 5 years now. To have faith and focus on all of our happiness instead of our grief.

Well I guess this is my punishment, NOW focusing on our happiness, just NOW wanting it back.... Just NOW realizing that what we had was more then friendship, more then a relationship, more then love. It was much deeping much more connected and now what do I have?

....And then I sighed.

Its Mr-Nasty-time!

Marceline and Marshall Lee

Lol just some fan art of Marceline and her Male self Marshall Lee from Adventure time. I was fellin hentai-ish. :)

Meh

Im just making some random entry because im pissed and just need to write. I just wanna write about random shit to get my mind off of things.

Im getting back into metal music. Seems to be one of the few things keeping me mentally stable. I remember I time when I used to listen to it all the time then I stopped I guess I lost my need for it. But apparently that need has come back. regardless its something I take in with great appreciation.

Then again maybe I shouldnt be celebrating something that mainly talks about death blood and anger. -Shrugs- regardless I'm not going to stop listening to it so I guess it doesnt really matter.

It also seems as tho Im not needing to smoke quite so much so I guess thats good... or bad Idk really when it comes to me. lol Weed has always been a vice, maybe I just dont need one anymore. Thats not to say I dont smoke at all nor is it to say I smoke any less, its just not a NEED anymore, simply something I enjoy doing for the fun of it and not any other reason. Maybe its because Ive smoked it so much that it doesnt do the same thing for me that it once did. Idk whatever the case be, I love weed and that wont ever stop.

Well thats all for now Im calm. Ill write some more randomness at another time. Peace

Nostalgia

Was browzing through some old photo's and video's of me and some old friends, back when we all still liked each other and I grew quite nostalgic. I really miss those days, there was nothing better then having great fun with my best friends, before everyone grew sour and suspicious of any and everyones intentions. I really miss those days, long summer nights staying up and acting a fool, playing rock band, going to the library and printing a million pics of anime, and learning to play bust a groove and space channel 5 for the first time, why couldnt things just say simple like they used to? But everyone grows up and moves on to different things and life styles and what not i guess but still, I long for that innocence's, that approach on life, that time shared with all my loved ones.

But alas, things are different as everyone changes with time, some people more drastically then other, and most situation doing a complete 180 flip. But if history has told us anything, the past always repeats its self, so maybe one day things will be the same again.... Untill then I'll sit and remember foundly of the fun I had as I continue moving forward, towards the fun that awaits me. Cuz thats all any of us can do.

Ja ne ~

So...

Christmas is killin me @_@ Things are getting super busy at work and just making me super tired, I get home and pass out almost every time. Im worn out, my days off they call me in and so its like Im never off. I need a vacation. but still I am thankful to even have a job, so I guess I'll just have to make the best of what I got. -shrug-

Speaking of christmas, I still need to buy christmas gifts for my niggas, but ugh the crowds and the amount of money everything is now has delayed me. lol Ill get to it this next check, thats also when my promotion money kicks in, :3 Im excited.

But other then that just chillin with my best buddy Kari right now, smoking and chillin and drawing as we usually do, so Yea Ima get back to that.

Till next time. ~

Why is it...

Why is it so fucking hard to have a little honesty amoung your friends and loved ones? Seriously, you gonna go thru the trouble of being my friend the least you can do is be honest about your shit. I shouldn't have to find out from such and such that things are going on in the shadows. I shouldn't have to pry into you to know that something is a miss. Im just tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return. I try my hardest to be a good person, I go up and out of my way to do things for those that i care for and for what? What fucking good is it doing me? Ugh. I need to calm down, this isnt me talking. this is my rage getting the best of me.

I could shoot this fucking computer right now, thats how pissed off I am, so Im just gonna get off. Deuces