The conversation of realization

6:44amMe
its like this
the longer I've known you
the more emotion your gonna get outta me
your at the happy or blank state
teya and mica have seen me in all states of mind
I dont like to show that other side of me when I havent known you as long
I guess in a sense its a protectant
6:45amAllan
I find that odd and somewhat deceiving...
to protect yourself is understandable
but mask entirely?
kinda...
6:46amMe
i dont like for ppl to see me in a weak state
6:46amAllan
umm
6:46amMe
makes me vunerable
and I HATE that
6:47amAllan
weak and facally neutral are two differnt things
6:47amMe
indeed
thats why I do the neutral face
I may be weak at the time
6:47amAllan
your neutrality is so permanent it seems like the negative side of the spectrum. like you elimated weak
6:47amMe
but you wont ever know
to the human eye
I suppose I have
I think it also has a lot to do with my up bringing
6:50amAllan
hm, ok i guess i can't argue with that, just doesn't sit right with me completely. But hell its cool Im weird in ways i guess and why should you care anyway lol. I'll just leave it at this, you may be masking more that you intended to mask. Somethings beyond your control.
6:51amMe
aw come on
get more in depth with it
dont stop now
6:53amAllan
no cuz I can't argue with it so whats the use in proving a point? just to prove it? Nah, i perfer to do things that take effect. I don't punch anything and don't expect it to at least flinch. Futility really lol. Why do you care mis neutral? You're stepping outside neutrality...technically...
we got on this subject cuz i wanted an understanding
I got that...
i guess...
6:54amMe
What is there to argue about, and what is there to prove?
In a way, I suppose Im asking for your help
Im trying to realize why I am the way I am
or if its even something I can fix
Sometimes I dont even know how to show my real emotions
thats a problem
6:55amAllan
Hm, thats noble... but then again why is my words even effective? You don't know me that well (as you said) and you will change when its necessary (which you also said) and neither of those have changed so why the curiousity?
6:56amMe
I didnt say I didnt no you that well
6:56amAllan
(sorry i get real intelluctual when figuring things out)
6:56amMe
I said I havcent known you that long
6:56amAllan
same thing right?
6:56amMe
not really
you can know some one forever and not actually no shit about them right?
6:57amAllan
true but it doesnt work vise versa does it?
6:57amMe
and I feel like your a good friend of mine
your opinion does matter
and I believe so
6:57amAllan
i mean i would like to be, but you kinda put me 2 steps back a second ago
6:57amMe
how so?
6:58amAllan
the category you put me in
6:58amMe
someone I havent known that long?
7:00amAllan
nvm overlook that...
continue
7:00amMe
Now Im confused
7:02amAllan
basically what you told me is you will change when necessary but thn by what you just said you said you kinda dont know how to? is that right?
7:02amMe
Basically'
I really dont even realise that Im not showing emotion
7:03amAllan
why do you care if youre fine where you are tho?
7:03amMe
obviously Im not tho
If you and other ppl have pointed it out, then thats a problem
its not just mica
Its not just my mother
its not just my ex's
its me
its a problem
7:05amMe
oddly this has mad me somewhat sad
7:05amAllan
you've become so set on becoming impervious (im guessing on an intimate level or feelings in geral) that you've stopped people from connecting to you one any level.
thats what i understand from it
*on
7:06amMe
i suppose your right
7:07amAllan
so you've made yourself unbreakable. but also unrelatable.
in a sense
7:07amMe
I defina=itely wouldnt say unbreakable
definitely*
I break rather easy
I just wont ever show anyone
7:08amAllan
well you would never tell anyone that in a normal conversation
but hear me out
7:08amMe
shoot
7:10amAllan
if you see a car wit a club on, a boot, ignition locks, an alarm, a guard dog by it and a bomb next to it you wont get near it, even if the bomb is a dud the dog is a bitch if you pet it and the doors are unlocked. The deterrant is more than enough
its a mental thing... and there is no sign saying come on pet the damn dog and open the door. so people will walk around it
unless its a person with either heavy balls or no morals...
in either case not good
7:12amMe
is that how you feel?
like you should keep away?
7:14amAllan
In some fashion yes, im smart enough so stay out of dangerous situations but at the same time I'm the type to sit next to the car and see what other people do. That have seen it before or new to it.
7:14amMe
I see...
7:15amAllan
I figured more stuff about you from other people, whether from words (in which you can't always believe because thats speculation) or how you interact with them, which is second hand but still quite useful information.
I'm very observant.
just dont seem like it
7:16amMe
I thought I was too
if I cant even tell that much about my friends and why they react to me the way they do, then I guess Im not
I guess I somewhat understand why ppl say there intimidated by me
7:18amAllan
Intimidated is understandable, not by me, hesistant maybe but I don't even hesistate in words, thats why Im so blunt but its intriguing because I feel like (im going on a whim here so dont smash on me if im wrong) feel like you're suffering somewhere in the inside.
7:19amMe
Im always suffering
that much I know
I just dont like to show it
i dont feel it necessary to do so
what will it change?
nothing
so I keep quiet
and put on a show for everyone else
7:20amAllan
See you're a rock. Impervious. Theoretically.
You made youself unbreakable, made note of a easy flaw, and just as easily cemented over that....
Even the flaw is protected. So technically its not a flaw if the shield is impervious to yourself
Eh, I believe I have said too much.
7:22amMe
No
your right
7:22amAllan
Its time i stopped talking
7:22amMe
No go ahead
I want you too comtinue
Im just listening/reading
7:24amAllan
I can't you've cornered me with your logic. and thats hard me being such a logical person. I always believe their is an alternate. another way. But you seem to have perfected the dead end so to speak. 4 walls no doors. And thats to people. to yourself its almost the same way. but you can always defeat yourself. i know that all too easy. you are always your worst enemy. and you need to get past yourself first...
Me
indeed
well put
7:28amAllan
I have been defeated logically, a very rare occasion. even in the worst of odds i have a fighting opinion, no matter how insignificant but in this case I have been trumped, and its not even about me yet its not a good feeling. I have nothing more to say on the subject matter.
7:29amMe
so in a sense, your saying theres no hope for change.
7:30amAllan
After you defeat youself I may be of assistance. Not only that I'm positive i could be, if not literally then I would at least want to be to help cuz you're my friend. But you got a hard ass enemy... and its been reigning for sometime now.
7:31amMe
yes it has
7:33amAllan
if you need to find something thats worth it you better find it fast. Because you're losing yourself, something that isn't worth losing if not already lost.
Its not to bring you down atall because I am genuinely concerned and because of that I cannot lie either though
7:34amMe
I know
I thank you for being honest
your not bringing me down
I a,
Cuz everything you've said is true
am*
I written about this for some time now, in blogs in poems
I could never figure out what was the proble,
problem*
it would also explain my random days of depression
its my subconscious kicking my ass
7:37amAllan
or the weakness or real you showing up temporarly
but then the mask comes out and tell people to leave you along. so even in the vuneralble state youve blocked help
*alone
7:38amMe
yes, I have
7:49amMe
I've got quite a bit to think on
thanks for the homework
lol

Sadness

Its weird. Why do I randomly tear up?

Why is it I look at myself and become sad?
I dont understand, what is missing in my life?
What is it I need to make me happy?

I can listen to almost any sad song and relate in ways I dont even consciously realize.
Its like there something, something black buried deep in my heart, behind all the memories, behind all my feelings that I just cant reach, I cant see, I cant feel and yet i know its there. Its always there watching and waiting for the right moment when it can catch me off guard and make me suffer something I cant even comprehend.

I dont know kiddies.... I just dont know

"Down with the Fakeness"

I'm so tired of all you fake ass people who call yourself my friend to my face. Ya'll nigga's is something else. But I guess thats just your true nature coming to surface. Regardless, I could name each and every one of ya'll and each and every circumstance in which ya'll have been backstabber's, cheaters, liars,users, and just straight up ass holes, but I'm not gonna even waste my time, cuz it wont change a nothing. Not even a single word in your vocabulary so fuck it. Live with what you've done knowing it or not. That big bad ass muthafucka named karma gonna come back and bite your ass OFF.

But I'm not gonna waste another thought on you, I'ma just drop you like a rock and move on to people much more worth my time.

You know.......REAL friends. Something most of you all know nothing about.

but its whatever, You all know who you are and if you "Don't" Your gonna know real soon.

Peace

All is well

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.
All is well.

Reason and passion

And the priestess spoke again and said: "Speak to us of Reason and Passion."

And he answered saying:

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.

Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.

But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.

If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;

And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.

I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.

Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.

Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows - then let your heart say in silence, "God rests in reason."

And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky, - then let your heart say in awe, "God moves in passion."

And since you are a breath In God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.

Two wishes

In the silence of the night Death descended from God toward the earth. He hovered above a city and pierced the dwellings with his eyes. He say the spirits floating on wings of dreams, and the people who were surrendered to the Slumber.

When the moon fell below the horizon and the city became black, Death walked silently among the houses -- careful to touch nothing -- until he reached a palace. He entered through the bolted gates undisturbed, and stood by the rich man's bed; and as Death touched his forehead, the sleeper's eyes opened, showing great fright.

When he saw the spectre, he summoned a voice mingled with fear and anger, and said, "God away, oh horrible dream; leave me, you dreadful ghost. Who are you? How did you enter this place? What do you want? Leave this place at once, for I am the lord of the house and will call my slaves and guards, and order them to kill you!"

Then Death spoke, softly but with smouldering thunder, "I am Death. Stand and bow!"

The man responded, "What do you want? What have you come here when I have not yet finished my affairs? What see you from strength such as mine? Go to the weak man, and take him away!

"I loathe the sight of your bloody paws and hollow face, and my eyes take sick at your horrible ribbed winds and cadaverous body."

After a moment of fearful realization he added, "No, No, oh merciful Death! Mind not talk, for even fear reveals what the heart forbids.

"Take a bushelful of my gold, or a handful of my slave's souls, but leave me. I have accounts with Life requiring settling; I have due from people much gold; my ships have not reached the harbour; my demand, but spare my life. Death, I own harems of supernatural beauty; your choice is my gift to you. Give heed, Death -- I have but one child, and I love him dearly for he is my only joy in this life. I offer supreme sacrifice -- take him, but spare me!"

Death murmured, "You are not rich, but pitifully poor." Then Death took the hand of that earthly slave, removed his reality, and gave to the angels the heavy task of correction.

And Death walked slowly amidst the dwellings of the poor until he reached the most miserable he could find. He entered and approached a bed upon which a youth slept fitfully. Death touched his eyes; the lad sprang up as he saw Death standing by, and, with a voice full of love and hope he said, "Here I am, my beautiful Death. Accept my soul, for you are the hope of my dreams. Be their accomplishment! Embrace me, oh beloved Death! You are merciful; do not leave me. You are God's messenger; deliver me to Him. You are the right hand of Truth and the heart of Kindness; do not neglect me.

"I have begged for you many times, but you did not come; I have sought you, but you avoided me; I called out to you, but you listened not. You hear me now -- embrace my soul, beloved Death!"

Death placed his softened hand upon the trembling lips, removed all reality, and enfolded it beneath his wings for secure conduct. And returning to the sky, Death looked back and whispered his warning:

"Only those return to Eternity. Who on earth seek out Eternity."

Im just feelin it...

Met him on a Thursday, sunny afternoon
Cumulus clouds, 84 degrees
He was brown, deep
Said he wanted to talk about my mission
Listen to my past lives.

Took me on long walks to places where butterflies rest easy
Talked about Moses and Mumia
Reparations, blue colors, memories of shell-topped Adidas
He was fresh,

like summer peaches
Sweet on my mind like block parties and penny candy
Us was nice and warm, no jacket, no umbrella, just warm

At night we would watch the stars
And he would physically give me each and every one
I felt like cayenne pepper, red, hot, spicy
I felt dizzy and so near heaven and miles between my thighs
Better than love, we made delicious

He me had, had me he
He had me tongue tied
I could hear his rhythm in my thoughts
I was his sharp, his horn section
His boom and his bip
And he was my love


The rain was fallin' and, and slowly and sweetly and stinging my eyes
And I could not see that he became my voodoo priest
And I was his faithful concubine

Wide open, wide, loose like bowels after collard greens
The mistake was made
Love slipped from my lips
Dripped down my chin and landed in his lap

And us became new
Now me non-clarivoyant and in love
Made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible
The rain was falling
And I couldn't see the season changing
And the vibe slipping off it's axis

Our beautiful melody became wildly staccato
The rain was falling and I could not see
That I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilized
And left to drown in his sunny afternoon
Cumulus clouds, 84 degrees, melodyweight