Meh

Im just making some random entry because im pissed and just need to write. I just wanna write about random shit to get my mind off of things.

Im getting back into metal music. Seems to be one of the few things keeping me mentally stable. I remember I time when I used to listen to it all the time then I stopped I guess I lost my need for it. But apparently that need has come back. regardless its something I take in with great appreciation.

Then again maybe I shouldnt be celebrating something that mainly talks about death blood and anger. -Shrugs- regardless I'm not going to stop listening to it so I guess it doesnt really matter.

It also seems as tho Im not needing to smoke quite so much so I guess thats good... or bad Idk really when it comes to me. lol Weed has always been a vice, maybe I just dont need one anymore. Thats not to say I dont smoke at all nor is it to say I smoke any less, its just not a NEED anymore, simply something I enjoy doing for the fun of it and not any other reason. Maybe its because Ive smoked it so much that it doesnt do the same thing for me that it once did. Idk whatever the case be, I love weed and that wont ever stop.

Well thats all for now Im calm. Ill write some more randomness at another time. Peace

Nostalgia

Was browzing through some old photo's and video's of me and some old friends, back when we all still liked each other and I grew quite nostalgic. I really miss those days, there was nothing better then having great fun with my best friends, before everyone grew sour and suspicious of any and everyones intentions. I really miss those days, long summer nights staying up and acting a fool, playing rock band, going to the library and printing a million pics of anime, and learning to play bust a groove and space channel 5 for the first time, why couldnt things just say simple like they used to? But everyone grows up and moves on to different things and life styles and what not i guess but still, I long for that innocence's, that approach on life, that time shared with all my loved ones.

But alas, things are different as everyone changes with time, some people more drastically then other, and most situation doing a complete 180 flip. But if history has told us anything, the past always repeats its self, so maybe one day things will be the same again.... Untill then I'll sit and remember foundly of the fun I had as I continue moving forward, towards the fun that awaits me. Cuz thats all any of us can do.

Ja ne ~

So...

Christmas is killin me @_@ Things are getting super busy at work and just making me super tired, I get home and pass out almost every time. Im worn out, my days off they call me in and so its like Im never off. I need a vacation. but still I am thankful to even have a job, so I guess I'll just have to make the best of what I got. -shrug-

Speaking of christmas, I still need to buy christmas gifts for my niggas, but ugh the crowds and the amount of money everything is now has delayed me. lol Ill get to it this next check, thats also when my promotion money kicks in, :3 Im excited.

But other then that just chillin with my best buddy Kari right now, smoking and chillin and drawing as we usually do, so Yea Ima get back to that.

Till next time. ~

Why is it...

Why is it so fucking hard to have a little honesty amoung your friends and loved ones? Seriously, you gonna go thru the trouble of being my friend the least you can do is be honest about your shit. I shouldn't have to find out from such and such that things are going on in the shadows. I shouldn't have to pry into you to know that something is a miss. Im just tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return. I try my hardest to be a good person, I go up and out of my way to do things for those that i care for and for what? What fucking good is it doing me? Ugh. I need to calm down, this isnt me talking. this is my rage getting the best of me.

I could shoot this fucking computer right now, thats how pissed off I am, so Im just gonna get off. Deuces

Stressful day

Today was kinda sucky, work was pretty whack today. Lol
I work at gamestop and just got promoted to management, Which requires alot more work that I have to do through out the day, alot more paper work,shipping, inventory, counting, scanning, asking, PAPER WORK AND MORE PAPER WORK. Then put that on top of being in control of the store, watching to make sure no one is shop lifting, having a new-to-any-job-period person to look after and answer his question, taking care of the customers taking in millions of games of trades, then filing them away and putting the cases on the wall in alphabetical order, and then Have to close the store and clean everything up yourself. And that was my day today. And of course we WERE PACKED! Everyone trying to get there holiday shopping on.

Urgh, I feel like I moved up way to fast, I got promoted to management in less then 4 months and most ppl it takes at least a year or two. I feel as tho more experience is necessary for things to be ran the way they are at gamestop. Unfortunately the rumors are true, you cant make any mistakes, the first time you do anything that costs the money in anyway, your fired, and thats as simple as mis-labeling a game.

But aside from that I'm high and things are better now, turning my frustration into art as usual. So I'm going to give the rest of my attention to that.

Bye for now~

Just taking up idle time

Yo Been busy lately and quite honestly I forgot about this blog, lol. Hows everyone been? Me personally I been great, Just got promoted at work making more than I ever have which is awesome, working on that car thing which I SHOULD have by the begining of the year and just living my life to the best of my abilities. And things are well, my drama factor has diminished almost completely which is always a plus. Guess that just means all the right ppl have left my life. Anywho thanks to such events I've managed to find a really good friend, one I know will always have my back, whether its convenient for her or not, because REAL friendship is never only when its convenient. But that's another story. I've got my best friend, my boyfriend, a pretty decent job and looking towards all the good things to come and that's pretty much it. Live love and have a wonderful life, thats all you can do. Till next time

Past Present and Future

Its late at night, (or early depending how you want to look at it)
I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to, so I thought why not share this with the few people who still read my blogg?

I've never been all that good at displaying my feelings let alone sharing them but I guess the best way to describe how I feel at the moment is less than satisfactory.
Lot of good and bad shit has happened but I try not to focus on the bad as it tends to make me feel like shit and thats the last thing I need right now. But I do need to acknowledge it at some point.

I lost an old friend recently, and if effected me more than I thought. Maybe it was just the way that it happened, it being a friend for more than 10+ years now I thought it would have been a bit more honorable, especially if the reason was for a good purpose but it wasn't. A swift delete on fb and a tweet saying 'I'm finally free'. Not really something you'd expect from a sister like figure right? well that just goes to show that life isn't always what you want it to be, but I've comes to terms with it, accepted it and shoved it to the back of my mind with all the other bad things I'm plagued with in the midst of the night. And what is there to do about it? Nothing but blogg my heart out and hope for her well being, as I do. I probably should hate her, just move on and pretend she never existed but I cant, and I cant even lie to myself and say that I have, cuz I haven't. But that doesn't mean that it will effect my quality of life and how hard I live it, so on the outside it appears that I'm perfectly fine, as per usual. But inside there's a storm just raging and waiting for that one weak moment to just burst out of me and send me into a sea of depression but for now I've been able to keep it inside.

On another note though I've gained a new friend, well not really a new friend but a close friend, she's helped me through a lot of this and I'm sure without her help the depressed would have burst out of me by now. And Some how I feel completely useless in her situation, she's got her own problems going on and I really don't know what I can say or do to help. She's going through a similar situation with her ex best friend at the moment and I cant really say anything about it. I mean what do I look like giving her advice when I've failed in my own situation? I cant give her advice, look how my friendship ended up. I'd feel terrible if she did take my advice and the same thing happened to her, like I had ruined her life or something. All I can do is listen to her whenever she needs it and hope that things work out in her favor and doesn't turn into my current situation.

And then there's the matter of my grandmother, shes been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks straight now and I've gone to see her as much as possible but really it just depresses me. I Love her to death and I hate to see her like this especially since she wouldn't be like this if she took better care of herself. Or maybe even if she had someone around to help motivate her. I feel as tho I could have done something to prevent this and now that it has happened there's nothing I can do to help. I feel so useless. She should make a full recovery if she sticks the to physical therapy, the diet and the medicine but how much longer will that last before there something else to happen to her? I don't know what I would do if I lost my grandmother, shes my most precious family member, one of the few who don't judge me and always looked out for me even when my mother and father disapproved of my actions. And I know when that day comes I'll lose it completely but in the mean time I'm going to try not to focus on that and just enjoy all the time I can with her.

Aside from that everything has been alright, I mean aside from not having a job everything else is good, I have a few good friends now, I go out regularly and my depressive episodes have slowed quite significantly. I've only had maybe one or 2 within the last 2-3 months now and even when those flared up they quickly subside. I know a lot of it is because of the power of my crystals, they've been cleansing my negative energy and emphasizing all things good and I know the rest is from my best buddy Hikari. I don't know why but I find it very hard to be in a bad mood when she's around. Maybe because she reminds me so much of myself from way back when, when I was still fairly innocent. lol before the anger, before the arguments, when things were simple. Whatever the case I'm just glad shes by my side.

And even though not everything has worked out in my favor recently, I know it will all tie itself together. And I will grow and learn from it to better myself as a person, a friend, and a human being.