Its late at night, (or early depending how you want to look at it)
I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to, so I thought why not share this with the few people who still read my blogg?
I've never been all that good at displaying my feelings let alone sharing them but I guess the best way to describe how I feel at the moment is less than satisfactory.
Lot of good and bad shit has happened but I try not to focus on the bad as it tends to make me feel like shit and thats the last thing I need right now. But I do need to acknowledge it at some point.
I lost an old friend recently, and if effected me more than I thought. Maybe it was just the way that it happened, it being a friend for more than 10+ years now I thought it would have been a bit more honorable, especially if the reason was for a good purpose but it wasn't. A swift delete on fb and a tweet saying 'I'm finally free'. Not really something you'd expect from a sister like figure right? well that just goes to show that life isn't always what you want it to be, but I've comes to terms with it, accepted it and shoved it to the back of my mind with all the other bad things I'm plagued with in the midst of the night. And what is there to do about it? Nothing but blogg my heart out and hope for her well being, as I do. I probably should hate her, just move on and pretend she never existed but I cant, and I cant even lie to myself and say that I have, cuz I haven't. But that doesn't mean that it will effect my quality of life and how hard I live it, so on the outside it appears that I'm perfectly fine, as per usual. But inside there's a storm just raging and waiting for that one weak moment to just burst out of me and send me into a sea of depression but for now I've been able to keep it inside.
On another note though I've gained a new friend, well not really a new friend but a close friend, she's helped me through a lot of this and I'm sure without her help the depressed would have burst out of me by now. And Some how I feel completely useless in her situation, she's got her own problems going on and I really don't know what I can say or do to help. She's going through a similar situation with her ex best friend at the moment and I cant really say anything about it. I mean what do I look like giving her advice when I've failed in my own situation? I cant give her advice, look how my friendship ended up. I'd feel terrible if she did take my advice and the same thing happened to her, like I had ruined her life or something. All I can do is listen to her whenever she needs it and hope that things work out in her favor and doesn't turn into my current situation.
And then there's the matter of my grandmother, shes been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks straight now and I've gone to see her as much as possible but really it just depresses me. I Love her to death and I hate to see her like this especially since she wouldn't be like this if she took better care of herself. Or maybe even if she had someone around to help motivate her. I feel as tho I could have done something to prevent this and now that it has happened there's nothing I can do to help. I feel so useless. She should make a full recovery if she sticks the to physical therapy, the diet and the medicine but how much longer will that last before there something else to happen to her? I don't know what I would do if I lost my grandmother, shes my most precious family member, one of the few who don't judge me and always looked out for me even when my mother and father disapproved of my actions. And I know when that day comes I'll lose it completely but in the mean time I'm going to try not to focus on that and just enjoy all the time I can with her.
Aside from that everything has been alright, I mean aside from not having a job everything else is good, I have a few good friends now, I go out regularly and my depressive episodes have slowed quite significantly. I've only had maybe one or 2 within the last 2-3 months now and even when those flared up they quickly subside. I know a lot of it is because of the power of my crystals, they've been cleansing my negative energy and emphasizing all things good and I know the rest is from my best buddy Hikari. I don't know why but I find it very hard to be in a bad mood when she's around. Maybe because she reminds me so much of myself from way back when, when I was still fairly innocent. lol before the anger, before the arguments, when things were simple. Whatever the case I'm just glad shes by my side.
And even though not everything has worked out in my favor recently, I know it will all tie itself together. And I will grow and learn from it to better myself as a person, a friend, and a human being.
