This Hikari thing

So this is something that's been on my mind for some time now and no ones seems to want to listen; I mean really listen to what I have to say especially the one that needs to hear it. Everyone wants to tell me there perspective on it and I'm tired of hearing it, even the ones evolved don't know the whole story so how can any of you? So here goes.... Some time ago, a bit before new years, me and who I once called my best friend got into it about something very minuscule. I bought her something for Christmas had been trying to track her down by phone for the last few days with no luck, so I attempted Facebook. Leaving a comment on a random link she had posted I wrote something along the lines of " When you have gifts for people and they don't bother to answer or call back...." another way of saying, hey, call me back. Some how this was misconstrued as some form of disrespect (Which I still don't get but whatever) we semi-argued for a moment before I ended the conversation because it was a repeatative circle of "Your assuming I did this, when really this happened " and "Your putting words in my mouth and making this into something it really isn't necessary to be." end day one of arguing. the day after next I make a status stating "Im off today and since my best friend is still mad at me, who wants to chill?" A status that is very general with little reference to what is happening between me and her, all anyone can get from it was that we're having a minor disagreement. Nothing to personal right? Well unfortunately this is where everything goes in a spiral down the drain..... Her boyfriend feels the need to comment "Yall are fighting? Whats that about?" Knowing that answering is 1) a dumb idea and 2)he already knows what happened I tell him to ask his girlfriend. His reply was "I was asking you before I ask her so I can assess the situation" Giving me the impression that he hadn't talked to her yet, although I am positive this is a fabrication. I tell him to read the previous comments, which was a light summary about our minor disagreement. He then goes into a long rant about maybe I haven't treated her like a best friend and maybe I've done so on and so on wrong, which by the way is news to me. He goes on to say how she felt disrespected when I did such and such and didn't apologize or so on and so forth. By this point I'm getting pissed. I understand how what I have said or done could have made her feel that way but did she ever come to tell me she didn't like it when I said this or did that? Not once. So how am I supposed to know you took this one thing a certain way and know that I should be sorry for it? In my defense I had no idea. Of course she has a right to be mad but she has no right to hold it against me if I've never been made aware of the situation. That alone was a disappointment on its own He goes in further to say that I'm wrong for posting the situation on Facebook, Which I tried to avoid, HE was the one to ask on a public post, when he had every ability to ask me in a personal message. Then has the nerve to say "What happens between you two, I honestly care nothing about because i'm not getting a invite to hang out." So why are you even on my status right now is my question, the conclusion being that he knew exactly what he was doing, he set up the piece and knew exactly how that'd fall. He responded knowing that I'd be pissed off at his invasion to the situation and that he was going to antagonize me and set the whole thing up for failure. His non-important existence is irrelevant though..... After all this she still had nothing to say, after a few more aggressive statuses on my end she responds saying she wants to talk when my "emotions aren't so high." In my opinion this is a far trade so I leave her alone for 2 days. When I try to talk to her once again, face to face where the "not-so-phenomenal-one" has no reach, she turns me down, and at this point she's already deleted me off everything and changed her name. There's no bigger way to say fuck you when you don't even let the person know there being ignored. So how did I behave? lol How would anyone behave after there sister like friend completely abandons them without even the grace of a single acknowledgement? I was hurt, I was pissed and I felt completely betrayed. Of course I responded badly. Did she expect a thank you text and a box of cookies? I said fucked up shit, I can admit. Shit that I didn't mean and have wanted to apologize for. But just cant get the opportunity and when I have gotten a half ass opportunity, it was laced with sarcasm and just rudeness, Do you really expect me to want to work things out with you when you put on your bitch front whenever I contact you? Do you really expect me to kiss you ass when you treating me like the ugly step child no one wants? lol Sorry sweety it doesn't work like that. You gotta give respect to get it. Don't get me wrong I'd love to patch things up. She really was like a sister to me and I miss her dearly but you treat me ugly Im gonna walk away. Im not gonna polish your shoes so you can feel like royalty, like your owed something while you kick me in the mud. So maybe one day when she calms down we can try once more but as things are I guess well just keep pretending like we never knew each other. Its sad really when it all can be cleared up with a simple talk and both parties (her in particular) being honest with each other. But that's too much to ask when petty ego and not-so-phenomenal boyfriends are all up in your head. -sigh- Maybe one day. '

And then I sighed

It was weird, just a short while ago I convinced myself that It was stupid to give up something good for something that has hurt me time and time again. I felt like i had gone down that road again and again to find nothing but pain and disappointment. now I yearn for that road. I felt like I needed something new and different, but it seems as the what I really need is more of what I already had.

Loving someone, it sucks really. Especially when that someone you love isn't always the one that your with. Don't get me wrong, i do love my boyfriend currently, we have fun and laugh and have yet to have any problems, which is why I was so hesitate to let it go. But I think i've finally realized where my heart truely lies.

all last night I couldn't help thinking about him, wondering if he was coming to the party, only to find out he indeed was, with his new girl friend. Then all I could do was daze off in a awkward attempt not to make it obvious that I was missing him. Since he wasn't speaking to me it made it a little harder to bare, but I got through for the most part.
It's a sucky feeling seeing the one you love not only love someone else, but on top of that not even acknowledge your existence. I admit I was a little more then hurt, but at the same time grateful. It wasn't because I was jealous, in all honesty I'm happy for him. I'm glad to see he's not moping anymore. But it took seeing him with someone else to make me realize what I actually felt for him. I had convinced myself for so long not to go back because I didn't need him that I actually started to believe it myself. But when it rains it pours and it rained down on me harder then a pack of bullets. Well.... I guess there's nothing I can do now but live with the errors of my ways.

I loved him, I still love him and I always will. If I could change the hands of time I would but.... I'm only human as well as he. I just wish I could have been more
Open, to have tried to have just a little more faith in the one that I've loved for 5 years now. To have faith and focus on all of our happiness instead of our grief.

Well I guess this is my punishment, NOW focusing on our happiness, just NOW wanting it back.... Just NOW realizing that what we had was more then friendship, more then a relationship, more then love. It was much deeping much more connected and now what do I have?

....And then I sighed.

Its Mr-Nasty-time!

Marceline and Marshall Lee

Lol just some fan art of Marceline and her Male self Marshall Lee from Adventure time. I was fellin hentai-ish. :)

Meh

Im just making some random entry because im pissed and just need to write. I just wanna write about random shit to get my mind off of things.

Im getting back into metal music. Seems to be one of the few things keeping me mentally stable. I remember I time when I used to listen to it all the time then I stopped I guess I lost my need for it. But apparently that need has come back. regardless its something I take in with great appreciation.

Then again maybe I shouldnt be celebrating something that mainly talks about death blood and anger. -Shrugs- regardless I'm not going to stop listening to it so I guess it doesnt really matter.

It also seems as tho Im not needing to smoke quite so much so I guess thats good... or bad Idk really when it comes to me. lol Weed has always been a vice, maybe I just dont need one anymore. Thats not to say I dont smoke at all nor is it to say I smoke any less, its just not a NEED anymore, simply something I enjoy doing for the fun of it and not any other reason. Maybe its because Ive smoked it so much that it doesnt do the same thing for me that it once did. Idk whatever the case be, I love weed and that wont ever stop.

Well thats all for now Im calm. Ill write some more randomness at another time. Peace

Nostalgia

Was browzing through some old photo's and video's of me and some old friends, back when we all still liked each other and I grew quite nostalgic. I really miss those days, there was nothing better then having great fun with my best friends, before everyone grew sour and suspicious of any and everyones intentions. I really miss those days, long summer nights staying up and acting a fool, playing rock band, going to the library and printing a million pics of anime, and learning to play bust a groove and space channel 5 for the first time, why couldnt things just say simple like they used to? But everyone grows up and moves on to different things and life styles and what not i guess but still, I long for that innocence's, that approach on life, that time shared with all my loved ones.

But alas, things are different as everyone changes with time, some people more drastically then other, and most situation doing a complete 180 flip. But if history has told us anything, the past always repeats its self, so maybe one day things will be the same again.... Untill then I'll sit and remember foundly of the fun I had as I continue moving forward, towards the fun that awaits me. Cuz thats all any of us can do.

Ja ne ~

So...

Christmas is killin me @_@ Things are getting super busy at work and just making me super tired, I get home and pass out almost every time. Im worn out, my days off they call me in and so its like Im never off. I need a vacation. but still I am thankful to even have a job, so I guess I'll just have to make the best of what I got. -shrug-

Speaking of christmas, I still need to buy christmas gifts for my niggas, but ugh the crowds and the amount of money everything is now has delayed me. lol Ill get to it this next check, thats also when my promotion money kicks in, :3 Im excited.

But other then that just chillin with my best buddy Kari right now, smoking and chillin and drawing as we usually do, so Yea Ima get back to that.

Till next time. ~

Why is it...

Why is it so fucking hard to have a little honesty amoung your friends and loved ones? Seriously, you gonna go thru the trouble of being my friend the least you can do is be honest about your shit. I shouldn't have to find out from such and such that things are going on in the shadows. I shouldn't have to pry into you to know that something is a miss. Im just tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return. I try my hardest to be a good person, I go up and out of my way to do things for those that i care for and for what? What fucking good is it doing me? Ugh. I need to calm down, this isnt me talking. this is my rage getting the best of me.

I could shoot this fucking computer right now, thats how pissed off I am, so Im just gonna get off. Deuces

Stressful day

Today was kinda sucky, work was pretty whack today. Lol
I work at gamestop and just got promoted to management, Which requires alot more work that I have to do through out the day, alot more paper work,shipping, inventory, counting, scanning, asking, PAPER WORK AND MORE PAPER WORK. Then put that on top of being in control of the store, watching to make sure no one is shop lifting, having a new-to-any-job-period person to look after and answer his question, taking care of the customers taking in millions of games of trades, then filing them away and putting the cases on the wall in alphabetical order, and then Have to close the store and clean everything up yourself. And that was my day today. And of course we WERE PACKED! Everyone trying to get there holiday shopping on.

Urgh, I feel like I moved up way to fast, I got promoted to management in less then 4 months and most ppl it takes at least a year or two. I feel as tho more experience is necessary for things to be ran the way they are at gamestop. Unfortunately the rumors are true, you cant make any mistakes, the first time you do anything that costs the money in anyway, your fired, and thats as simple as mis-labeling a game.

But aside from that I'm high and things are better now, turning my frustration into art as usual. So I'm going to give the rest of my attention to that.

Bye for now~

Just taking up idle time

Yo Been busy lately and quite honestly I forgot about this blog, lol. Hows everyone been? Me personally I been great, Just got promoted at work making more than I ever have which is awesome, working on that car thing which I SHOULD have by the begining of the year and just living my life to the best of my abilities. And things are well, my drama factor has diminished almost completely which is always a plus. Guess that just means all the right ppl have left my life. Anywho thanks to such events I've managed to find a really good friend, one I know will always have my back, whether its convenient for her or not, because REAL friendship is never only when its convenient. But that's another story. I've got my best friend, my boyfriend, a pretty decent job and looking towards all the good things to come and that's pretty much it. Live love and have a wonderful life, thats all you can do. Till next time

Past Present and Future

Its late at night, (or early depending how you want to look at it)
I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to, so I thought why not share this with the few people who still read my blogg?

I've never been all that good at displaying my feelings let alone sharing them but I guess the best way to describe how I feel at the moment is less than satisfactory.
Lot of good and bad shit has happened but I try not to focus on the bad as it tends to make me feel like shit and thats the last thing I need right now. But I do need to acknowledge it at some point.

I lost an old friend recently, and if effected me more than I thought. Maybe it was just the way that it happened, it being a friend for more than 10+ years now I thought it would have been a bit more honorable, especially if the reason was for a good purpose but it wasn't. A swift delete on fb and a tweet saying 'I'm finally free'. Not really something you'd expect from a sister like figure right? well that just goes to show that life isn't always what you want it to be, but I've comes to terms with it, accepted it and shoved it to the back of my mind with all the other bad things I'm plagued with in the midst of the night. And what is there to do about it? Nothing but blogg my heart out and hope for her well being, as I do. I probably should hate her, just move on and pretend she never existed but I cant, and I cant even lie to myself and say that I have, cuz I haven't. But that doesn't mean that it will effect my quality of life and how hard I live it, so on the outside it appears that I'm perfectly fine, as per usual. But inside there's a storm just raging and waiting for that one weak moment to just burst out of me and send me into a sea of depression but for now I've been able to keep it inside.

On another note though I've gained a new friend, well not really a new friend but a close friend, she's helped me through a lot of this and I'm sure without her help the depressed would have burst out of me by now. And Some how I feel completely useless in her situation, she's got her own problems going on and I really don't know what I can say or do to help. She's going through a similar situation with her ex best friend at the moment and I cant really say anything about it. I mean what do I look like giving her advice when I've failed in my own situation? I cant give her advice, look how my friendship ended up. I'd feel terrible if she did take my advice and the same thing happened to her, like I had ruined her life or something. All I can do is listen to her whenever she needs it and hope that things work out in her favor and doesn't turn into my current situation.

And then there's the matter of my grandmother, shes been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks straight now and I've gone to see her as much as possible but really it just depresses me. I Love her to death and I hate to see her like this especially since she wouldn't be like this if she took better care of herself. Or maybe even if she had someone around to help motivate her. I feel as tho I could have done something to prevent this and now that it has happened there's nothing I can do to help. I feel so useless. She should make a full recovery if she sticks the to physical therapy, the diet and the medicine but how much longer will that last before there something else to happen to her? I don't know what I would do if I lost my grandmother, shes my most precious family member, one of the few who don't judge me and always looked out for me even when my mother and father disapproved of my actions. And I know when that day comes I'll lose it completely but in the mean time I'm going to try not to focus on that and just enjoy all the time I can with her.

Aside from that everything has been alright, I mean aside from not having a job everything else is good, I have a few good friends now, I go out regularly and my depressive episodes have slowed quite significantly. I've only had maybe one or 2 within the last 2-3 months now and even when those flared up they quickly subside. I know a lot of it is because of the power of my crystals, they've been cleansing my negative energy and emphasizing all things good and I know the rest is from my best buddy Hikari. I don't know why but I find it very hard to be in a bad mood when she's around. Maybe because she reminds me so much of myself from way back when, when I was still fairly innocent. lol before the anger, before the arguments, when things were simple. Whatever the case I'm just glad shes by my side.

And even though not everything has worked out in my favor recently, I know it will all tie itself together. And I will grow and learn from it to better myself as a person, a friend, and a human being.

Mid night rantz

So Im bored, its almost 3am, and Im pretty high; Lets make a post about random shit. Awesome okay.
Ya know what I hate? Freakin stupid people. Like seriously why are you so stupid? its not that hard to learn things, so why do you refuse so hard to do it? Like seriously wtf. Get same brains damn you.
Okay but seriously tho I hate people who like to bitch and moan about the same person over and over and over again. And most ppl when they do this arent even talking about a girlfriend/boyfriend either. There just bitching about one random as person with very little real meaning to there life. Well drop that person like a rock and be out. If there making you so mad where you have to bitch to your friends ALL the TIME then why are you still there? 9/10 it's always an easy fix situation. Stop talking to that person. Just stop. Resist the urge.
But then there are times when it cant be avoided, like lets say someone you work with. Okay they may be a bitch to you and you may have to put up with it but thats when you just let them talk. Just let them sit there and bitch at you and just smile at her/him. It'll piss em off much more than your words and you'll be having fun.
Alright Its time to draw now. I been slacking forever but what should I draw? I think maybe I'll draw my self in anime form. Havent really dont that yet, not seriously anyway. Yea I think thats it but I gotta think of a good pose that is totally me. Hmmm....

Thats a tough one.

Sarah

Early morning Venting

This is a letter to you, the only one who should be reading this

To start this off I just want to say, I'm sorry.
I was young and naive... I didnt know what kind of friend I had in you....

Wait let me take this from the beginning.....

About 7am this morning feeling very bored and wide awake I decided to get on facebook and look at some of my old inbox messages; I sometimes like to read through the ones that made me smile when first reading them, and smile again when remembering the initial smile. And then I stumbled upon a message from you...

And even at this moment I dont know what made me do it

I typed your name in and brought up every inbox from me and you. There were so many in the beginning....

I read through them 1 after the other, making sure not to miss a word. Something I dont think I did the first time seeing them and I begain to cry....

How could I have been so cruel? How could I not have seen your sorrows? How could I not see how you reached out for me, begging for my friendship....... How could I have been so.....so blind?

And even after every cruel reply I sent you, there was always, "Love ya sis." or "Hope your doing well"

I'm sorry, Im so sorry I was so young, so full of anger that I couldnt see your pain. I was to focused on my own.

All you wanted was my friend ship, you apologized so many times and I was just too stubborn to respond, I didnt know how to handle it, no idea how to express how I was feelling so I pushed you away, I shut you out of my life and ignored all your efforts to make peace with me.

I would give anything to have it be the way that it once was....


And now its seems our roles have swithced.

Well Damn.

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Iam No Limit'z

....When he awoke it was dark, nothing could be seen, not even his own hands in front of his face.
Scratching the back of his neck, the chains holding him down had been made obvious with its loud clanking against the hard concrete floor.

'What the hell?' he thought.

He stood himself up, dusted himself off and grinned simply saying with a spark of his right hand,

"....You'd think they'd get it by now."

No Limit'z

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Ryo and Hikari

page 16

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