This Hikari thing

So this is something that's been on my mind for some time now and no ones seems to want to listen; I mean really listen to what I have to say especially the one that needs to hear it. Everyone wants to tell me there perspective on it and I'm tired of hearing it, even the ones evolved don't know the whole story so how can any of you? So here goes.... Some time ago, a bit before new years, me and who I once called my best friend got into it about something very minuscule. I bought her something for Christmas had been trying to track her down by phone for the last few days with no luck, so I attempted Facebook. Leaving a comment on a random link she had posted I wrote something along the lines of " When you have gifts for people and they don't bother to answer or call back...." another way of saying, hey, call me back. Some how this was misconstrued as some form of disrespect (Which I still don't get but whatever) we semi-argued for a moment before I ended the conversation because it was a repeatative circle of "Your assuming I did this, when really this happened " and "Your putting words in my mouth and making this into something it really isn't necessary to be." end day one of arguing. the day after next I make a status stating "Im off today and since my best friend is still mad at me, who wants to chill?" A status that is very general with little reference to what is happening between me and her, all anyone can get from it was that we're having a minor disagreement. Nothing to personal right? Well unfortunately this is where everything goes in a spiral down the drain..... Her boyfriend feels the need to comment "Yall are fighting? Whats that about?" Knowing that answering is 1) a dumb idea and 2)he already knows what happened I tell him to ask his girlfriend. His reply was "I was asking you before I ask her so I can assess the situation" Giving me the impression that he hadn't talked to her yet, although I am positive this is a fabrication. I tell him to read the previous comments, which was a light summary about our minor disagreement. He then goes into a long rant about maybe I haven't treated her like a best friend and maybe I've done so on and so on wrong, which by the way is news to me. He goes on to say how she felt disrespected when I did such and such and didn't apologize or so on and so forth. By this point I'm getting pissed. I understand how what I have said or done could have made her feel that way but did she ever come to tell me she didn't like it when I said this or did that? Not once. So how am I supposed to know you took this one thing a certain way and know that I should be sorry for it? In my defense I had no idea. Of course she has a right to be mad but she has no right to hold it against me if I've never been made aware of the situation. That alone was a disappointment on its own He goes in further to say that I'm wrong for posting the situation on Facebook, Which I tried to avoid, HE was the one to ask on a public post, when he had every ability to ask me in a personal message. Then has the nerve to say "What happens between you two, I honestly care nothing about because i'm not getting a invite to hang out." So why are you even on my status right now is my question, the conclusion being that he knew exactly what he was doing, he set up the piece and knew exactly how that'd fall. He responded knowing that I'd be pissed off at his invasion to the situation and that he was going to antagonize me and set the whole thing up for failure. His non-important existence is irrelevant though..... After all this she still had nothing to say, after a few more aggressive statuses on my end she responds saying she wants to talk when my "emotions aren't so high." In my opinion this is a far trade so I leave her alone for 2 days. When I try to talk to her once again, face to face where the "not-so-phenomenal-one" has no reach, she turns me down, and at this point she's already deleted me off everything and changed her name. There's no bigger way to say fuck you when you don't even let the person know there being ignored. So how did I behave? lol How would anyone behave after there sister like friend completely abandons them without even the grace of a single acknowledgement? I was hurt, I was pissed and I felt completely betrayed. Of course I responded badly. Did she expect a thank you text and a box of cookies? I said fucked up shit, I can admit. Shit that I didn't mean and have wanted to apologize for. But just cant get the opportunity and when I have gotten a half ass opportunity, it was laced with sarcasm and just rudeness, Do you really expect me to want to work things out with you when you put on your bitch front whenever I contact you? Do you really expect me to kiss you ass when you treating me like the ugly step child no one wants? lol Sorry sweety it doesn't work like that. You gotta give respect to get it. Don't get me wrong I'd love to patch things up. She really was like a sister to me and I miss her dearly but you treat me ugly Im gonna walk away. Im not gonna polish your shoes so you can feel like royalty, like your owed something while you kick me in the mud. So maybe one day when she calms down we can try once more but as things are I guess well just keep pretending like we never knew each other. Its sad really when it all can be cleared up with a simple talk and both parties (her in particular) being honest with each other. But that's too much to ask when petty ego and not-so-phenomenal boyfriends are all up in your head. -sigh- Maybe one day. '

And then I sighed

It was weird, just a short while ago I convinced myself that It was stupid to give up something good for something that has hurt me time and time again. I felt like i had gone down that road again and again to find nothing but pain and disappointment. now I yearn for that road. I felt like I needed something new and different, but it seems as the what I really need is more of what I already had.

Loving someone, it sucks really. Especially when that someone you love isn't always the one that your with. Don't get me wrong, i do love my boyfriend currently, we have fun and laugh and have yet to have any problems, which is why I was so hesitate to let it go. But I think i've finally realized where my heart truely lies.

all last night I couldn't help thinking about him, wondering if he was coming to the party, only to find out he indeed was, with his new girl friend. Then all I could do was daze off in a awkward attempt not to make it obvious that I was missing him. Since he wasn't speaking to me it made it a little harder to bare, but I got through for the most part.
It's a sucky feeling seeing the one you love not only love someone else, but on top of that not even acknowledge your existence. I admit I was a little more then hurt, but at the same time grateful. It wasn't because I was jealous, in all honesty I'm happy for him. I'm glad to see he's not moping anymore. But it took seeing him with someone else to make me realize what I actually felt for him. I had convinced myself for so long not to go back because I didn't need him that I actually started to believe it myself. But when it rains it pours and it rained down on me harder then a pack of bullets. Well.... I guess there's nothing I can do now but live with the errors of my ways.

I loved him, I still love him and I always will. If I could change the hands of time I would but.... I'm only human as well as he. I just wish I could have been more
Open, to have tried to have just a little more faith in the one that I've loved for 5 years now. To have faith and focus on all of our happiness instead of our grief.

Well I guess this is my punishment, NOW focusing on our happiness, just NOW wanting it back.... Just NOW realizing that what we had was more then friendship, more then a relationship, more then love. It was much deeping much more connected and now what do I have?

....And then I sighed.

Its Mr-Nasty-time!

Marceline and Marshall Lee

Lol just some fan art of Marceline and her Male self Marshall Lee from Adventure time. I was fellin hentai-ish. :)

Meh

Im just making some random entry because im pissed and just need to write. I just wanna write about random shit to get my mind off of things.

Im getting back into metal music. Seems to be one of the few things keeping me mentally stable. I remember I time when I used to listen to it all the time then I stopped I guess I lost my need for it. But apparently that need has come back. regardless its something I take in with great appreciation.

Then again maybe I shouldnt be celebrating something that mainly talks about death blood and anger. -Shrugs- regardless I'm not going to stop listening to it so I guess it doesnt really matter.

It also seems as tho Im not needing to smoke quite so much so I guess thats good... or bad Idk really when it comes to me. lol Weed has always been a vice, maybe I just dont need one anymore. Thats not to say I dont smoke at all nor is it to say I smoke any less, its just not a NEED anymore, simply something I enjoy doing for the fun of it and not any other reason. Maybe its because Ive smoked it so much that it doesnt do the same thing for me that it once did. Idk whatever the case be, I love weed and that wont ever stop.

Well thats all for now Im calm. Ill write some more randomness at another time. Peace

Nostalgia

Was browzing through some old photo's and video's of me and some old friends, back when we all still liked each other and I grew quite nostalgic. I really miss those days, there was nothing better then having great fun with my best friends, before everyone grew sour and suspicious of any and everyones intentions. I really miss those days, long summer nights staying up and acting a fool, playing rock band, going to the library and printing a million pics of anime, and learning to play bust a groove and space channel 5 for the first time, why couldnt things just say simple like they used to? But everyone grows up and moves on to different things and life styles and what not i guess but still, I long for that innocence's, that approach on life, that time shared with all my loved ones.

But alas, things are different as everyone changes with time, some people more drastically then other, and most situation doing a complete 180 flip. But if history has told us anything, the past always repeats its self, so maybe one day things will be the same again.... Untill then I'll sit and remember foundly of the fun I had as I continue moving forward, towards the fun that awaits me. Cuz thats all any of us can do.

Ja ne ~

So...

Christmas is killin me @_@ Things are getting super busy at work and just making me super tired, I get home and pass out almost every time. Im worn out, my days off they call me in and so its like Im never off. I need a vacation. but still I am thankful to even have a job, so I guess I'll just have to make the best of what I got. -shrug-

Speaking of christmas, I still need to buy christmas gifts for my niggas, but ugh the crowds and the amount of money everything is now has delayed me. lol Ill get to it this next check, thats also when my promotion money kicks in, :3 Im excited.

But other then that just chillin with my best buddy Kari right now, smoking and chillin and drawing as we usually do, so Yea Ima get back to that.

Till next time. ~